I graduated!
I walked across the stage in April, but technically I turned in my final assignment a couple weeks ago. I’ve got a degree in Advertising and Graphic Design and a crippling fear of the future.
I feel like I didn’t have a “full” college experience, but it was almost completely by choice. I was terrified at the thought of moving somewhere far away from everything I’ve ever known and starting from scratch, and also didn’t really have a reason to. No college fit some dream criteria, because truly my dream is to sit in a meadow with a creek running through it and take photos of flowers and read Anne of Green Gables to my future children. I truly love learning, but I didn’t have a grand dream of studying anything specific.
I graduated high school in 2020, so any expectation of “normal school” felt far fetched for at least a couple of years. I went from homeschooler to online college student, and immediately after community college returned to “normal,” I graduated…and ended up continuing education online.
If I wasn’t going to have friends at my school (because, you know, I couldn’t be on campus at the beginning, and chose a campus-less existence toward the end) I figured I could make that community myself. I visited different college groups, and really committed myself to attending as many events as I possibly could. Hiking, sunrise walks, trips to San Diego or LA, beach days…I was there.
And I’ve been in that place for a couple years.
Over the years, friends have gotten married (and had kids!) and friends have moved and friends have gotten real jobs. It’s not the same as it was a few years ago, and I know that’s how life works. But it kind of feels like I’ve been sitting and watching as my friends’ lives change around me.
I’ve had the same job since high school. It’s the only job I’ve ever had (aside from babysitting and photography, but actually it also involves photography). And it’s not that I want that job to change—the specifics of what I’ve done has shifted over the years as I’ve grown and gained experience and I truly enjoy what I do. But I feel behind, because (in my head) everyone else has more experience and direction. They’ve worked a few different jobs, ones they’ve liked and ones they haven’t, and know where they’re heading.
What am I working toward?
If you had asked little me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would have spiraled. I don’t know?! I like so many things and I’m supposed to pick just one?? Forever? And I know now that it was never that serious for other kids. They said doctor or vet or lawyer or superhero and probably changed their mind a hundred more times. I thought once you spoke your dream job, you were committed. People would hold you to it, or perhaps joke about it. “Remember when you said you wanted to do this? Look at you now!”
Looking back, I know that’s just my natural disposition toward overthinking and anxiety. I wish I knew that the stakes were never that high. And I tell that to myself now. Even when the stakes feel desperately high (because they always do in my head), it’s not that serious. I’m allowed to change my mind (or not)! I’m allowed to work toward new things if I find a new dream.
But what if I don’t know what that is??
And I’m more aware now than ever that probably most people don’t have one specific dream, or they’ve let dreams die and found new ones. Or that their lives don’t revolve around their jobs. Maybe it’s a means to an end. Maybe it’s something they truly are so passionate about. There isn’t one way that every single person lives.
I know that! I repeat that fact in my head. I tell myself that I don’t have to have it figured out by now. But I would love to have something figured out, at least.
I think my greatest fear is being left behind—not just in the post-apocalyptic rapture series kind of way, but in life. That my community is going to move on…and I’ll watch.
Perhaps that’s a bit dramatic, but I do believe that is my innate fear. That every one of my friends is going to move on, in one form or another, and I won’t.
How many times have I deliberately sought out change?
I can’t say never. But it’s certainly been rare.
I’ve deliberately done things that scared me, because they’re growth opportunities and whatever. But mostly because I think if I don’t push against the things that scare me enough, the fear might grow.
I’m convinced every single time I get on a roller coaster that this is it. This is the time that the wheels fall off the tracks and I fly to my doom. But I still get on. I know I love rollercoasters after that first drop. And I probably won’t die, right?
So, future plans? I want to keep doing things that scare me (even though I truly do not in the moment). There’s a list of things I’ve been too nervous to try for myself, like taking horse riding lessons and therapy1. I want to face those fears and discover, dang, they weren’t that scary after all (I hope). I want to deep clean my room and finally visit the doctor for my digestive issues. I want to visit Prince Edward Island and frolic in meadows and believe that my friends like me even when my brain tells me otherwise.
I have no idea what I’m going to do tomorrow…how exciting!
If you’ve read anything I write about anxiety and thought “hm sounds like she needs therapy” I know! I’m just, can you imagine, scared.